_я𝕪ＡŇ LＥＡ𝓬σ𝓬𝕂_ᵇ𝔩σＧ
why i wrote THE FIRE INSIDE
Why I wrote THE FIRE INSIDE
Back when I was in the fold, everything good was given to God as credit.
Life, inspiration, and intuition were gifts from God. These amazing things were the Holy Spirit alive inside us, speaking to us, and guiding us.
But even back then, even at my most indoctrinated, I would still wonder - "Yeah, but non-Christians have these gifts as well."
After I made Backslider, I knew that The Fire Inside was next.
I wanted to ask the big questions that all of us ask:
Why are we here?
Why is there life inside of me?
As a creative person, I have a built-in need to make - where does that come from?
Why do we all share this same fire?
The Fire Inside is the "spiritual sequel" to Backslider. If that last zine was about looking back, The Fire Inside is about looking around with fresh eyes. It is about the Fire we all share - especially those of us who decide to live a creative life.
Because in the end, I still believe that the Fire is a gift from God - it's a gift given to all of us.
There are a couple pieces in the zine that have been inside of me for years - these are the core elements that everything else gathered around.
One of the ways my creativity works, is like this - there are "Idea Planets" floating in space of my mind and with time, some of them pull other ideas into their gravitational pull - growing and becoming projects.
These two ideas formed the whole zine.
AS FAR AS WE KNOW
It's becoming more and more likely that there are aliens out in the universe somewhere. But as of right now, as far as we know we are the only beings in all the universes that write, that sing, that express ourselves through art. We may be alone, in all of this space, doing our little works.
So while your poetry or painting may be 1 of millions in the world - our work is singular in the universe. I think that's a beautiful thing to be part of.
SNAILS
I haven't liked most of the places that I've worked, and I don't do well with mornings. But one morning, dragging myself to a place I didn't want to be - I saw something holy and primal.
The sun was out and the morning was crisp. 100's of tiny snails were awake and inspired to greet the day. These small snails covered the wall of a place I hated, each had a little spark of the life that is inside of me - and I found that beautiful.
I stood there and appreciated the life before me - enjoying the brief delay before heading into the much loathed workplace.
These were the core building blocks for The Fire Inside. The cornerstones of everything I wanted to express in the zine.
I don't want to spend all of my time talking or writing about what I've lived through - for me The Fire Inside complements Backslider because it completes the yin-yang energy. That's why I made it.
If you'd like to read it or Backslider - both can be purchased over on my esty.
- Ryan Leacock
Ryan Leacock is a designer, writer and actor who's worked in a variety of creative fields and expressions. He's written short films, commercials, blogs and has just published his second collection of original writings. Ryan has designed apps. websites and hundreds of signs at his 9-5.
Ryan has nearly finished his 4th year hosting the Creative People Podcast, which he self-produces a few times a month.
He currently lives in Kitchener, Ontario with his wife, 4 kids, 1 dog and 2 cats.
a work of my own
A Work of my Own - What is a Shadow Career and why is it so easy to get stuck in one
What is a “Shadow Career” and why is it so easy to get stuck there?
For the last few years, I had done very little creative work of my own.
Six years ago, I had a creative partnership go sideways and then hit the wall, crashing my creative work with it.
Before that, I had a made a really cool-looking app that got some attention but didn't really sell and is now obsolete - it was made for the iPad 4 and as of this writing, they’re at iPad 11. Updates to the iOS rendered my work obsolete.
I was a creative with no work.
So then, four years ago, I started a podcast and started making stuff again.
But I wasn't making stuff for me. I was making stuff for them... for the podcast, for the guests of the podcast, and to promote the podcast. It was work, and it was creative, but it wasn't my work.
In one of his many books, Stephen Pressfield describes a concept he calls "Shadow Careers." A Shadow Career is work in the shadow of the thing you really want to do.
So think, for example of someone who wants to be filmmaker but settles for a youtube channel where he reviews movies.
It’s basically anything you can do that gets you close to the thing you want - but without the risk of the thing you really want to do.
And that's where I was - for the last handful of years. Doing something creative and rewarding in the shadows of the work I really wanted to do.
The work that was inside of me to do.
When I started the Creative People Podcast, I remember telling people that it was because my creativity was a dog inside of me and it was eating my visceral couch. I needed to give it an activity or it would eat me alive, and that was certainly true.
Likewise, may it also be said that in no way am I crapping on the podcast or my work there. It was work I wanted to do, and am glad I did. I love the podcast and the 120 episodes I’ve made. It changed my life and I can’t wait to make more but you need to understand it isn’t My Work.
My Work had hurt me, My Work had disappointed me. My Work led to me almost losing a long-time friend, and my work was a dream that didn't pan out. My work had broken parts of my heart.
There is safety in a Shadow Career - and it’s was the best place for me while I healed. But eventfully it wasn’t enough, and I was too scared to try again.
Pointing to other people's work felt good and safer. It's like saying, "Hey, I made this thing - but you should be interested because it's about something you already like - or you should like it."
Rather than, "Hey, I made this thing and you might like it or you may not. But I felt like I was supposed to make it, and so I did. I think it's pretty good so I'm going to put it out there."
I believe that creativity is always an act of bravery, even more so when you're making your own work - because you put your whole self on the line.
So this year, I started again. I started building a body work - a work of my own.
I found a medium that matched my skill set, I found a market for my work and I made 2 Zines. 2 complete projects that are my work. I sold them on etsy and a zine fair - I got out of my comfort zone and I did the work I felt I was supposed to do.
And now, at the end of the year - I feel a peace I haven’t felt other years. And it’s with this feeling, that I am excited to head into 2024. I want to keep doing my work, and I hope this blog encouraged you to join me.
- Ryan Leacock
Ryan Leacock is a designer, writer and actor who's worked in a variety of creative fields and expressions. He's written short films, commercials, blogs and has just published his second collection of original writings. Ryan has designed apps. websites and hundreds of signs at his 9-5.
Ryan has nearly finished his 4th year hosting the Creative People Podcast, which he self-produces a few times a month.
He currently lives in Kitchener, Ontario with his wife, 4 kids, 1 dog and 2 cats.
_the_”good at drawing”_friend
This week on the podcast: EM - Hushpuppy Designs
THIS WEEK ON THE CREATIVE PEOPLE PODCAST:
EM - HUSHPUPPY DESIGNS
I started my forth season of the podcast, and then I took a break. There was some stuff I had to finish, namely my new Zine BACKSLIDER. But I’m done that, and I’m back with a new episode of the Creative People Podcast this week.
On this week’s episode I’m chatting with a local favourite of mine, EM from Hushpuppy Designs.
Here are some things that stood out to me, and why you should listen…
“ART FOR THE UNDERDOGS”
Can I first say that, that EM is a total natural on the podcast. I’ll have to find a reason to bring her back sometime because our chat was such good vibes. I’d love to co-host something with her.
We start off our convo talking about underdogs, and even though I’m a bit of a “cat-guy”, I love an underdog and I’m glad that EM is making art for us.
I’ve always felt like a bit of an underdog, it’s what brings some of us to our interest. Underdogs can usually find a home in the arts, it’s where our disadvantage can become our strength. We learn to take our pain, and mix it with a bit of talent and start to make magic.
On the podcast I love to hear about the journey of the creatives I talk to, I want to hear what made them start… and often what made them stop. It’s a very common thing for me other Creatives to tell me that they were “creative kids” but walked away from it for awhile, before coming back to it later in life.
When we’re growing up, we’re fragile and sometimes it just takes the wrong comment from someone we trust to derail us… sometimes for years. We can also derail ourselves when we wrongly compare ourselves to someone we perceive as way better than us.
If we want to draw, it could be a friend who is really good at drawing. I had one, and so did EM.
But the cool thing about art, and creativity in general is that we eventually learn that, better is subjective. My “good at drawing” friend, can’t do what I can do. His drawings are great, but they aren’t the right fit for every project. If we’re smart, and can relax about our perceived “lack of skill” we can find or make a place where our drawing is the best fit.
EM found her way back to drawing, she found her voice and her style. I wonder if her “good at drawing” friend is even still drawing? Creativity is about what you do with it.
This is one of the reasons I talked about Creativity being my “new religion” when I was chatting with EM on the podcast this week. In creativity there is a home for everyone. The underdogs can make a place for themselves here, it just takes a little resilience, self-awareness and hard work.
Those are two of my takeaways from the podcast this week. I really had a great time chatting with EM this week on the Creative People Podcast - click here to listen.
Thanks for reading.
- Ryan Leacock
Ryan Leacock is a designer, writer and actor who's worked in a variety of creative fields and expressions. He's written short films, commercials, blogs and has just published his first collection of original writings. Ryan has designed apps. websites and hundreds of signs at his 9-5.
Recently, he was bit by the acting bug and is having the time of his life reigniting a passion for acting/comedy onstage. Having recently appeared in 2 plays with Innovative Productions.
Ryan has just started his 4th year hosting the Creative People Podcast, which he self-produces a few times a month.
He currently lives in Kitchener, Ontario with his wife, 4 kids, 1 dog and 2 cats.
_a_happier_creative
How I became a happier creative. Despite my resting grump face.
AT THE BARBER
Yesterday I was getting my hair cut, and I was talking to my Barber about how my approach to creative work has changed. I'm a happier creative now, and that I wished I would have realized this sooner.
As I've said before, the podcast changed my life. As with all changes, it introduced new challenges.
When I make something, one of the things I want from it is for it to get noticed. There is so much noise, and so many things for people to check out... it's so easy and disappointing to be lost in the noise.
Something about the timing and approach of the Creative People Podcast - cut through that noise... even if was just a little bit. Some people were paying attention. Finally!
An idea that I had did it! It got some people to pay attention.
But instead of enjoying it, my mind said... "sure this is great, but maybe it could also make you money"
I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to make money, or making money. But let's talk about fulfillment and happiness. Those things are influenced by mindset and expectations. Expectations dictate our hopes and dreams, which affect our goals.
So you're a creative person, you have ideas, ambition and something to say or make. You start, and it's everything you dreamed of. You feel alive and unblocked, you have physical evidence of what you knew inside. You are a creator!
But then you have the thought or someone says, maybe you could sell this!
Ah, damn... capitalism strikes again!
NOTICE AND REDEFINE VALUE
Now the thing you made, has a new expectation - it needs to make you some cash. After all, things that cost money have value, and if someone pays for something... that means it's valuable. True.
But you made it, and you felt good when you did... that is also valuable.
When you looked at the things you made, and you felt pride. That's valuable. When you lost track of time, and you're body and soul were just MAKING, that was valuable.
But when you move the markers of expectation, and decide that it's only really valuable if you can sell it. You undercut all of that.
Art and creativity are for us, it's for our soul and it's how we exist in the world. Making stuff puts us in a flow that is in line with how we were built to live. But when you change the value to cash, you take those gifts away from yourself.
Some people can manage this fine, they can differentiate between the two with ease. But I haven't been one of those people. It took a mindset shift.
When I returned to working a regular job I decided that my work time was for cash, and the rest of my time was for me. My projects now have no expectations of cash, what so ever. Sure I plan on selling stuff. You can buy my new zine. But, it's a zine... how many am I going to sell?
I made it for me. I made it for someone who went through something similar to me. It has value.
If it sells well, that would be amazing. But it's not the point. The point is is that I made it. It exists. I did the work, I expressed what I wanted to say, and how I wanted it to look. Now I want to make something else.
MAKE SOMETHING… GO ON AN ADVENTURE
Now I look at each creative work as an adventure. Where is this thing going to go? What sorts of adventures could this open up?
Looking back, I wish that I would have looked at the podcast this way. During the Pandemic the Creative People Podcast was a doorway to people, and conversations that were unimaginable before the podcast. It opened up my world, and while I was enjoying it. It wasn't living up to the expectations… I was thinking about how I could make money from it.
If I had approached it as an adventure, I think I would have enjoyed it more. And I don't know if I would have burned out on it like I did.
And so, after a year and a half of working for myself, when all of my efforts had to equal cold hard cash - creative and non-creative. I realized that this was not the best way to live or attempt to live my (creative) life. I needed to separate the two.
The new approach: Work is for money.
All creativity is for me.
I moved the markers of expectation back. The things I make have value. I enjoyed making it, and I'm proud that they exists. Everything that comes after that, it just adventure. A little magic that the thing I made attracted. If that includes money, well that's the cherry on top.
This mindset has made me a happier creative. Despite my resting grump face.
Thanks for reading.
Shout out to Amber at Proper Barber Shop
- Ryan Leacock
_the_fire_inside_
There is a burning fire alive inside me, is it alive in you?
THE FIRE INSIDE ME
There is a fire inside of me.
Do you have a fire in you?
A burning, alive, force
The Life Force
The power of life that brings cells to life
’causes your heart to beat
and your lungs to breathe
Some of us are given an extra measure
a bit of an extra dose
spilling over and
instead of destroying it continues it’s desire to create.
Is it ambition?
Are you just driven?
I think it’s something more
something pure
and ancient desire
for more
a burning desire to make
Make alive
make more
making so much that we create
New worlds
New fires
New life
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
BORN OF FIRE
This fire inside me
in my heart and my eyes
dangerous and alive
tonight It gave birth
A thing exists,
where there was no thing before
there is now a thing
Born of fire
baptized and then born again.
Now outside of me
a done thing
cannot be undone
Living on it's own fire
I finished my work.
- Ryan Leacock
_no one r͟e͟a͟l͟l͟y͟ cares anyway_
What if we just accepted that?
If you’re a creative, no one has to like (or care) about anything you do.
No one really cares anyway.
Sounds harsh. Doesn’t it? We all want people to care about the work we do, but at the end of the day, no one has to like it. And most people really don’t care.
And even those who like it, will never fully care or appreciate it the way it matters to you.
What if we just accepted that?
If you’re a creative, no one has to like (or care) about anything you do.
Is this such a bad thing? What if it didn’t have to be? What if it’s the thing that set us free?
What would you do if no one had to like what you did?
What would you write?
What would you sing?
What would you make because you wanted it to exist?
Most of the time when we’re making stuff, we are going to be the only ones that see it. If you’re going to work on something long enough to be proud of it, you’re going to be putting in a ton of hours that no one will see but you.
If the whole time you are doing that, you’re waiting for something that may or might not come at the end… eventually you’re going to burn out.
Because, there are zero guarantees that anyone will like what you do.
Or that you’ll make any money from it. Or that you’ll get famous from it. Or any other thing you dream about from it. Those are the possible perks of a creative life, they are not what you are entitled to.
You’re entitled to your work. That’s it.
My suggestion is that you find a way to make peace with that. Or at least be able to say “Fuck it”, I’m doing this anyway.
Fuck it, I'm doing this
even if no one shows up
even if my cheerleaders are sick
even if no one understands
I'm making this, or these things, or right now this and then that and then that.
I’m making it because I want to.
Thank God, for Cheerleaders.
Of course, some people do care. Some people care but don’t express it (does that count? haha), but yes, there are going to be some people who show up at your shows, like your posts, check in with you, and are always in your corner. They care about you.
God bless those people. All the gods from all the religions, because they can give you that validation when you really need it. They are saints!
Bless them, but you can't count on them. Because those people still don't care about it like you do. And they won’t always be there.
It's yours.
Let everyone else off the hook.
Find the Thing and find a way to do it
Not all of your creative interests are going to be the Thing. Some of them are going to burn you out, some of them are impossible without buckets of cash, and some are behind Gatekeepers.
Find the Thing that makes you feel alive, and try to do it every day.
Stop complaining about gatekeepers, or money, or time. Find something that you can do with that you have. We only have so long on this planet - make the things that you want to while you're here.
Find a way to make “a version of” something that is going to make you feel alive by giving you that feeling of pride.
Like, if you want to write songs, write them because when you're done, a song exists that didn't exist before you. You made it and it can't be un-made. Then tomorrow do it again, and then again.
It's the only guarantee way to live a fulfilled creative life… make the things that you feel proud of, even if no one sees them, likes them or cares about them.
If it's a novel, it's a chapter that didn't exist.
If it's cooking it's your stamp on a dish.
If it's crocheting, it’s taking a ball of yarn and turning it into a stuffy.
Do the Thing you do.
Otherwise you'll always be waiting to start.
That, or you’ll be working hard and it won’t fulfill you.
Sharing without need
When you do the work, that you want to do because you want to do it and you do it all the time, you’ll start to finish things and start to collect a body of work. Share it.
But now, any thing that comes after is all perk. You’ve already done it for you, so if people love it, connect with it, buy it, clap for it… you can enjoy it without needing it. You can enjoy it without expectations or projected hopes for fulfillment.
And when people don’t show up for you, and it will happen, you’ll be ok because you did it for you. Because you’re a creative and you made something that didn’t exist before. And that’s all we actually get from this.
So, make peace with it.
Ryan Leacock
_ the (beautiful) burden of ideas_
Ideas are beautiful. They have the power to change our world, or they can fail miserably. But if we want to grow as creatives we have to embrace the risk and follow where they lead.
I've had ideas work out, and I've had ideas fail. Whatever happens, I'll have more ideas in the future... and some of those will fail and others will open into new worlds for me.
This week I stepped into my forth year of podcasting, Season 4 of the Creative People Podcast kicked off with a great convo with KW artist, Trevor Clare.
I had a really great time talking with Trevor - you can check out here.
At the beginning of the episode, I talk briefly about my desire to find my own work. Last week I also blogged about the Plays, which have lit up my life, and are part of the creative work I want to do with my life.
It's funny how ideas work, most go nowhere. But some get their own life. You find yourself still working on them 4 years later.
I've said it before, the podcast changed my life. It opened my world, changed how I thought about people... not to mention how I interacted with them. It has helped mature my creativity and taught me so many little things that have added to my whole life.
But something was wrong, and I've spent the last 6 months starting to fix it.
The podcast is about creativity, obviously. But it's through the lens of other people's work. That's how it was built and I have no interest in changing that. It's the work of others, all connected from different types of work that makes the podcast so interesting. And that's great for the podcast, but it's not enough for me as a creative. As an... artist. (cringe)
The podcast can't be my only work, I needed something for myself.
Here’s what I got:
6 months ago I started writing a novel for an idea I've kept as a pet in my mind for years. I have also written a Zine, which is (fingers crossed) coming out in the next few weeks. I also have another podcast idea that's starting to get it's own gravity.
But fuck, I've been a ball of anxiety and imposter syndrome about them. But like, why?
I've had ideas work out, and I've had ideas fail. Whatever happens, I'll have more ideas in the future... and some of those will fail and others will open into new worlds for me.
But my mind (that bastard) will say stuff like this:
"Who do you think you are?"
"What are they going to think of you"
"What if they think you can't do it"
"What if they are right?"
This is the less romantic part of the creative life... ideas fail. We are drawn and inspired to try, but there is never any guarantee it’ll work. It's why most people don't really try. Putting yourself on the line, saying your going to make something and then making it... put you on the line.
Being on the line is uncomfortable. But you know what's more uncomfortable, not doing the stuff that's inside of you to do.
It takes time, and courage. Self awareness, self confidence and humility. It takes resilience because it can be a slog.
But it's also the best.
Because when it works, and an idea turns into something. Big or small... it's magic.
And it's the magic I'll be chasing for the rest of my life.
- Ryan Leacock