why i wrote THE FIRE INSIDE

Back when I was in the fold, everything good was given to God as credit.

Life, inspiration, and intuition were gifts from God. These amazing things were the Holy Spirit alive inside us, speaking to us, and guiding us.

But even back then, even at my most indoctrinated, I would still wonder - "Yeah, but non-Christians have these gifts as well."

After I made Backslider, I knew that The Fire Inside was next.

I wanted to ask the big questions that all of us ask:

Why are we here?

Why is there life inside of me?

As a creative person, I have a built-in need to make - where does that come from?

Why do we all share this same fire?

The Fire Inside is the "spiritual sequel" to Backslider. If that last zine was about looking back, The Fire Inside is about looking around with fresh eyes. It is about the Fire we all share - especially those of us who decide to live a creative life.

Because in the end, I still believe that the Fire is a gift from God - it's a gift given to all of us.

There are a couple pieces in the zine that have been inside of me for years - these are the core elements that everything else gathered around.

One of the ways my creativity works, is like this - there are "Idea Planets" floating in space of my mind and with time, some of them pull other ideas into their gravitational pull - growing and becoming projects.

These two ideas formed the whole zine.

AS FAR AS WE KNOW

It's becoming more and more likely that there are aliens out in the universe somewhere. But as of right now, as far as we know we are the only beings in all the universes that write, that sing, that express ourselves through art. We may be alone, in all of this space, doing our little works.

So while your poetry or painting may be 1 of millions in the world - our work is singular in the universe. I think that's a beautiful thing to be part of.

SNAILS

I haven't liked most of the places that I've worked, and I don't do well with mornings. But one morning, dragging myself to a place I didn't want to be - I saw something holy and primal.

The sun was out and the morning was crisp. 100's of tiny snails were awake and inspired to greet the day. These small snails covered the wall of a place I hated, each had a little spark of the life that is inside of me - and I found that beautiful.

I stood there and appreciated the life before me - enjoying the brief delay before heading into the much loathed workplace.

These were the core building blocks for The Fire Inside. The cornerstones of everything I wanted to express in the zine.

I don't want to spend all of my time talking or writing about what I've lived through - for me The Fire Inside complements Backslider because it completes the yin-yang energy. That's why I made it.

If you'd like to read it or Backslider - both can be purchased over on my esty.

- Ryan Leacock

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Ryan Leacock is a designer, writer and actor who's worked in a variety of creative fields and expressions.  He's written short films, commercials, blogs and has just published his second collection of original writings.  Ryan has designed apps. websites and hundreds of signs at his 9-5. 

Ryan has nearly finished his 4th year hosting the Creative People Podcast, which he self-produces a few times a month. 

He currently lives in Kitchener, Ontario with his wife, 4 kids, 1 dog and 2 cats.

_what_is_backslider__?

WHAT IS A “BACKSLIDER”?

Backslider is a term used by Evangelical Christians for people who have left the church, or had fallen away.

One day it hit me, that’s what I would have called myself back in my Church days. It was a sobering realization. The old me, would refer to the new me as a Backslider.

I knew people who had left the church, I remember how I thought about them, how I judged them and felt sorry for them. I remember how once they were gone, no one really talked to them anymore. They were no longer one of the “Us” they had become one of the “Them”

And now that was me.

WHY IS THE ZINE CALLED “BACKSLIDER”?

Leaving was a challenging, confusing and lonely time for me. I wanted to make something to honour my time growing up in Church, as well as my leaving. “The Backslider Project” was an open tab on the desktop of my mind for a handful of years. An idea that I didn’t know what to do with.

At the same time, I had also been looking for an opportunity to do my version of a zine. So when I realized the two ideas should be combined into one project. Everything just started to click.

WHY A ZINE?

Nothing feels like holding physical media in your hands. I love the feeling of opening a new record and looking through the lyrics and the art. I wanted to make something that felt the same as that. A zine is an affordable way to make that.

Another great thing about a zine is that it can be anything.

I had never written publicly in the way that I do in this project. I felt hesitant and insecure to share my voice in that way, but when I combined those written pieces with this theme and style of design… it just clicked. The zine became a way for me to expand my style of writing, while using skills I felt stronger in. Backslider wrapped all that together and was the perfect container for it.

ZINES ARE ROCK and ROLL

When Jack and Meg White made a White Stripes record, I’ve read that they went into the studio with “nothing” prepared and would jam out the record in the weeks that it took to make it. That’s rock and roll.

A zine is made with that same intention and spirt. It’s an approach that’s of the moment. It takes all your talent/skill/previous experience and wraps it in the thing you cranked out in a handful of weeks. That was my approach and my hopes for Backslider.

IS THE ZINE “ANTI-CHRISTIAN”?

The zine is about some of my experiences growing up in Christianity, why I left, and what that has been like for me. Your involvement with Christianity may have been healthy and helpful in your life. That’s great, I’m happy for you.

As a whole, that was not my experience and I had a bunch of unresolved feelings about it that needed to be worked through. Some of it was good, and parts of it may be true… but as a whole it left me broken and confused.

Backslider is my expression of that experience: 33 years of Christianity, what that was like and why I left… designed, written and jammed out in a few weeks.

I’m thankful for my time, and feel at peace about why I left.
I’m ready to move on. I just had to make something about it first.

Thanks for reading.

You can buy your copy of the Backslider Zine here

- Ryan Leacock

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